How many times have you heard the phrase dog people and people people?
Believe it as you may think, the two are not mutually exclusive. I think alot of it comes down to how much we apply our training methodologies we use on our dogs to people we meet in our every day life. I am not going to pretend to be perfect- there are times when I have flown off the handle at family members, or acted frustrated towards close friends in a manner I wouldn’t call ideal. But I would say I have a feeling that I am not alone in this in the dog world, even the Force Free dog training community.
I believe that how we get the best out of other people, and how we get along with others is best described in the following three steps, or rather what I call the three ‘R’s:
1) Root Cause:
As with many doggy issues, I believe when we interact with humans negatively, there is always a root cause. In a puppy who is chewing, as trainers we try to think- is the puppy bored? Is it teething? Has it got big dog teeth coming through? Is he anxious?
However, looking back to when I was at school, this has given me food for thought.
At secondary school I was routinely bullied by many. From the annoying pencil being stabbed in my back, to being tripped up, pushed and dragged along the floor, to the lunches stamped on, to the pisstaking in the changing rooms to the death threats in the middle of the night, I had some difficult experiences. However, despite not wishing this to happen to anybody or to of had the experience in the first place, I can’t help reflect 7-10 years later.
What was the ‘root cause’ of my fellow students behaviour? Why did they feel the need to act like that?
- Maybe they hadn’t had much exposure to people who are ‘different’. Maybe they had no idea how to act or behave in a tolerant manner around people who have differences. Maybe they had never been taught.
- Could they of felt a need to ‘fit in’ with the ‘cool kids’ and pick on a ‘geek’ for some sort of peer approval to improve social standing that they find ‘reinforcing’?
- Are there other stressors? Is the kid having a decent home life? Whilst I am no way excusing what was done to me, I am trying to understand it better. If more support possibly had been given to the individuals family at the time if it was needed, maybe fewer incidents will of occurred and less kids put in upsetting situations.
2) Reaction
If we have a puppy with a chewing issue, more traditional trainers may say we need to punish this behaviour using “positive punishment” (more on this later). They might say that we need to shout at them or scruff them if they find them chewing something inappropriate. Those who train force free will understand that having finding a root cause for the chewing will have a much more positive effect. Maybe, we could give pups a frozen Kong and smother on some doggy teething gel to help with any discomfort? Maybe the need to chew inappropriate things won’t be there any more?
How could of things been done differently in my school? Could the behaviour of been redirected into something constructive? Could they addressed root causes better? Could they of managed the behaviour to make it less reinforcing?
- When this happened, the people involved either got a talking to or nothing. That didn’t work. In fact, I remember them punishing me- they told me to go to a “safe” room but actually was one of the main perpetrators detention rooms. My anxiety went through the ceiling. In fact, later that day I received a death threat and I remember completely losing it in front of the deputy head (over threshold?!). Thinking about it, they could of “managed” the situation a hell of alot better to ensure that situation didn’t happen in the first place. I remember refusing to go in and feeling sick at the mention of school.
- I can’t remember where, but I remember watching a program, and if someone can remember what it was called that would be fab, as I can’t! It was about a somewhat controversial scheme where the “popular kids” or “key peer influencers” as they I think were called in the programme, were selected to combat a severe bullying issue in the school. Instead of using their social status to pick on and exclude me, could they of been “redirected” in helping the more vulnerable in the school community feel more accepted?
- Understanding is also a big issue. A puppy might not understand what objects to chew. A child or teenager may not be able to contextualise how certain conditions like Dyspraxia effect their peers. (See response below how I dealt with more mild issues)
3) Response
- Looking back, my peers were expecting a response from me. Either waiting for me to “break” and lash out at them, to feeling scared and hiding in the playground, to not wanting to go in to get some sort of social status, power or control over me.
- Admittedly, at the time they did. I would feel very scared about coming in. I would display avoidance behaviours mentioned above, behaviour suppression resulting in massive meltdowns at home because I just could not take it any more. I was way over threshold.
- However, its funny. As once on the way back from university, I saw one of my major school bullies on the train. My stomach tightened. I felt that same sick feeling.
- That said, I didn’t run away or avoid eye contact. I actually took a deep breath, and looked at them. They looked fed up, tired and at the end of their tether. To be honest I felt really sorry for them despite the crap I went through at secondary school. I also hope that me not making a run for it and actually daring to look at them was a bit unexpected, and I wanted them to think “Actually, that was a bit pointless. I have no power or control over that weird girl I used to go to school with, she’s made it blatantly obvious she isn’t scared by me any-more!”.
- It sounds such a little thing, but it was huge for me to be able to take that away from her.
- On a slightly off topic note, I remember one of the more minor annoyances. I decided with some friends to do a form talk and picked him to attempt to do the tasks that he used to take the piss out of me for in goggles, wellies that were 4 sizes too big, ski gloves, using only his left hand whilst wearing headphones. Everyone was laughing at him as he couldn’t do them. It stopped that afternoon, he apologised. Result.
Its not just real life. I see it on social media groups too.
Come on peeps. If we can be force free with our dogs we might as well be with humans too!
I hope this post made sense. Sorry for the essay.
thehoundwrangler 